revolutionaryfic: ([eva]Tragic Boyfriends)
[personal profile] revolutionaryfic
Fill for the NGE kink meme, with a prompt of Kaworu and Shinji skinny dipping.

Title: And Im Going Under
Series: Evangelion
Word Count: 1723
Rating: M
Characters/ships: Kawoshin (First draft edition)
Summary: Shinji Ikari isn't sure why he's at the lake again with the boy who rejected him.
Warnings: Brief mention of self harm and self loathing


“You’re not getting in this time?”


Shinji has to take a moment to wonder what he’s doing here, sitting beside the lake, knees pulled up to his chest, as the fifth child - the lovely, wonderful fifth child - lazily floats in the water. He’s too far out, in the deeper waters Shinji can’t swim to, but the leisurely tide at Shinji’s feet feels like it’s connects them. He doesn’t want to admit how comforting that thought is. He hugs his legs closer to him.


“No, I’m fine like this. L-like I said before, I can’t swim, so. . .” he lets himself trail off, looking away from the other boy as he remembers the last time they were here together.


I don’t feel that way about you. Shinji’s face burns with embarrassment and regret. He glances up when he hears splashing, looks long enough to see Kaworu settle in the shallows, then looks away again. He hears Kaworu give a soft chuckle.


“We could stay up here, if you like. I won’t scare you like before, promise.”


Shinji shrinks into himself again. He frowns at the dirt on the ground, talking more to it than the other boy when he asks “Why are you so insistent?”


“Because I enjoy being closer to you.”


Shinji’s attention snaps back to Kaworu. He looks for signs of deceit, of malicious intent, any sign that Kaworu will start laughing and say “Just Kidding! I’m actually trying to drown you!” but he finds none. He only sees the boy’s soft smile, his red eyes filled with something warm that he can’t quite name.


Not love don’t think love he doesn’t feel that way he doesn’t hedoesn’thedoesn’t-


Shinji sighs, defeated, and starts to unbutton his overshirt. “That’s not something you say to - nevermind.”


He folds his clothes neatly next to Kaworu’s as he strips, just as bashful as before and hyper aware of Kaworu behind him, watching him. He isn’t sure if he should be embarrassed or thrilled, so his heart and stomach settle into a nauseating mix of the two. He hopes Kaworu doesn’t notice the shake in his legs as he goes to join him, sitting beside him in parallel to their clothes. His face feels hot and he’s certain it’s as red as Kaworu’s eyes, though the other boy doesn’t comment on it. Shinji can feel those same red eyes on him, but he doesn’t dare meet them. Doesn’t look in Kaworu’s direction and risk his sight lingering on Kaworu’s exposed body.


Being so focused on keeping his sight on the horizon, he almost misses when Kaworu gives a thoughtful hmm and leans against him, resting his cheek on Shinji’s shoulder.


Shinji’s breath catches in his throat, immediately tensing at the - admittedly very much welcomed - contact.


“A-ah, uhhm, K-kaworu-kun, what-”


“I enjoy being closer to you.” Kaworu repeats, unmoving. “I wonder though, is that, perhaps, what liking someone is?”


“That’s . . . one part of it, I-I think,” Shinji says, his voice more steady than he was expecting. Kaworu doesn’t say anything, and somehow Shinji knows he’s waiting for him to continue, so he does. “Liking someone is, is when you enjoy someone’s company, a-and when you want to be closer to them,” just like this “and, when you, want to . . . to, k-kiss them and stuff, I guess.”


There’s another pause between the two of them, the possible silence filled by buzzing cicadas and the gentle tide. Shinji allows himself to look over at the boy leaning against him, and finds the sight of him painted in the sunset’s golden hues, and the thoughtful look on his face as he gazed out over the lake to be transfixing. He finds he can’t look away as Kaworu speaks again.


“Does that mean you would like to kiss me?”


“W-well, I,” Shinji stammers. He somehow manages not to look away as he softly, “y-yeah.”


Kaworu looks back at him then, moves closer to him, and before Shinji can realize what’s happening, Kaworu’s lips are against his, his hand holding the back of his head and fingers tangling in his hair. Shinji almost leans into it, almost relishes it because Kaworu is so warm and his lips are so soft and this is perfect, just perfect.


But then eyes he hadn’t realized he’d closed fly open and he reels back, breaking the kiss. Kaworu’s eyes flutter open, and he stares at Shinji, the confusion and something else - hurt? - evident on his face. It’s in the part of his mouth, the curve of his eyebrows.


“K-k-kaworu-kun, y-you, you don’t,” Shinji swallows “You don’t have to do this for me, j-just because I-”


“That’s not why I did it.” Kaworu says, cutting him off. His eyes are serious, but he’s the one that looks away now. He focuses instead on Shinji’s fingers, which he carefully intertwines with his own. “Though, saying that in only confusing isn’t, it?”


It’s Shinji’s turn not to say anything, to wait for the other boy to continue.


After a deep sigh, he does. “My words the other day were, I suppose, an effort to keep you from further hurt.” He laughs a bit, but it does nothing to lighten the mood. There’s an edge to it, a note of bitterness and resignation. “Though, I suppose, if you like me that much already the damage is already done. It might not be the worst thing if we were to become closer.”


“Uh, Kaworu-kun, wha-”


“Do you want to kiss me more?” Kaworu interrupts again, looking back at Shinji’s face. His gaze is serious, steady, and Shinji wants to believe he isn’t imagining the little flickers of affection and want there, too. His voice is stubbornly continuing to be of little use, so after a few seconds of inelegant squeaks, he decides actions would be best. He presses his lips back against Kaworu’s. He pushes just a bit harder this time, the kiss a little bit hotter. Kaworu presses back with a desperation that makes Shinji’s heart ache, even if he can’t quite explain why. He thinks of the scars on his wrist, and wonders how Kaworu feels about himself, if he’s disgusted at himself the same way Shinji is. He feels a slight pang of shame then, for not bothering to wonder these things sooner.


He pulls back again, caressing Kaworu’s face with his free hand, leaning against him. He should be embarrassed at how the pink on Kaworu’s face makes him feel, ashamed of how he relishes in Kaworu’s heavy breaths, but he’s too heated and lost in the moment to care. He dives in again, kissing down Kaworu’s neck. The shaky gasp the pale boy gives in response sends a shiver down his spine. He starts to alternate between soft kisses and hard sucking, encouraged by Kaworu pressing closer against him, the way he says Shinji’s name, almost pleading.


It isn’t clear what happens next - did he push Kaworu or was he pulled? - but the next thing Shinji knows Kaworu is on his back below him, their hips clumsily aligned and hard heat trapped between the two of them. Shinji’s first instinct is to rear back, to apologize and brace for Kaworu’s imminent disgust and rejection, but the moan that comes from Kaworu as Shinji moves against him is enough to kill any thoughts of stopping. Shinji rocks his hips against him slowly, testing, rubbing his arousal against Kaworu’s. He muffles his groan against Kaworu’s shoulder as the other boys cries, out, seemingly unashamed. The water splashing around them does nothing to cool Shinji down as Kaworu wraps his arms around Shinji’s back, gripping tightly as he breathes Shinji’s name so prettily, desperately, lifting his hips to match Shinji’s pace.


Shinji lifts his head, propping himself up to watch Kaworu’s face as he comes more and more undone. His hips jerk at the sight, eliciting another moan from Kaworu. His movements quicken as he drinks in view. The pink dusting on Kaworu’s cheeks had deepened to a brilliant red and spread over his face, like paint spilling on the pale canvas of his skin, the furrow of his brow and his closed eyes, the slight part of his lips - Shinji feels like he could look at him like this for the rest of his days and it would still be as lovely as the first time. He seals Kaworu’s lips with his own, his tongue sliding in and against Kaworu’s, closing his eyes at the sensation. It’s wet and awkward and somewhat strange but Kaworu actually whimpers at it and it feels so, so good. Their thrusting becomes irregular and erratic, all resemblance to a steady rhythm burned away in their passion.


Shinji breaks the kiss and opens his eyes just in time to watch Kaworu come. He cries out again, tightening his grip on Shinji’s back as he arches against him. He moans as he finishes, the sound of it right by Shinji’s ear enough to send him over the edge. He can’t help put moan as his body tenses, his fists clenching before his body releases all the built up tension. He collapses beside Kaworu, neither of them speaking as they try to catch their breath. They don’t worry about washing up, trusting the water to do that for them. Shinji is surprised at how at peace he feels then, how unashamed he is of their actions he feels. His whole body is filled with a soft warmth, even as the wind kicks against his exposed skin. He almost feels content to stay there forever, just the two of them in the warm colors of the sunset and the cool water.


“I wish I could stay with you.” Kaworu says, and a blast of cold settles in his stomach.


Shinji looks to Kaworu’s face, questioning, but before he can speak Kaworu is shifting, sitting up and continuing. “We should get going,” he says as he stands. He wordlessly goes to his clothes and begins to dress, putting on her shirt first and quickly buttoning the sleeves. Shinji follows suit, unable to shake the dread Kaworu’s words had created. After they dress, Kaworu kisses him on the cheek and promises to see Shinji tomorrow.


As he walks back to Misato’s apartment, Shinji has to wonder if that’s really true.
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